April 27, 2008

Well I guess that it’s typical to cling to memories...

I had a good day. I've had a few good days. Packing everything up definitely made an impression, and I realized for the first time that I'm practically finished with my first year at Longwood. And...whew, that's awkward to think about.

It's gonna be stressful and busy for the next few days, but...I really feel like I'm ready to take it on. Things are kinda coming together. I've spent this semester being a little all over the place—with my school work and with my sentiments. But...I think I feel good. I feel like I'm finally sort of moving past a few things, and I'd like to say that I see a few changes in myself since I started school in August.

I can't believe this year went by so fast. I remember deciding on Longwood, living it up last summer, my going away party (which was fantastic), moving into my dorm room, starting class—and here I am at the end of the year. It was a blink of an eye. It was an eternity. It was yesterday and a lifetime ago all the same time.

I wrote something last year that I find interesting right now:


"I've reached the point where I don't know what to do next. I can do anything, but part of me feels like there is nothing. I will keep living the next few months, pick a college, finish at JSR, and then…nothing. It's like this is all some stage, and we're coming to the end of the show. Everything is sort of wrapping up and closing all open doors and situations. I'll say my last line, then the director will yell cut. It will all have been a movie, a pseudo-romance, a pseudo-girl-finds-self, a pseudo-life, all two steps in one direction from a drama, and two in the other from a comedy..." Feb. 21, 2007


But here I am, and while the last line has definitely described this year fairly well, it's not at all the end of the story. It's simply the end of this chapter.

So...Here's my reflection blog I guess. Shout-outs to a few people, notable lessons learned, funny occurrences, etc. Warning: I have a feeling that this is gonna be lengthy.


To Friendship:

There is no better note to start on than friends. To those at home--Em, Lori, Sam, Josh, Tabi--you all have held me together. I was so homesick when I got here, and for a while I didn't know if I could handle it. But the support and reassurance you all gave helped remind me of the strength that I've had the whole time. Your inspiring words, your belief in my abilities, your constant and unconditional friendship—it's been priceless. You all mean the world to me.

MmBell, Allison, Laura: Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I just hope you all know that. Even though we haven't been as close since school started, you girls are in my thoughts daily. They need to take Averette, Radford, Mary Washington and Longwood and relocate them all into one giant awesome-fest in Richmond or something. We're all over the place, but I guess that just means that we're spreading the Amazingness that is Us across Virginia. God help this state, man, cause we're gonna infect the whole population with randomness, high volume laughter and utterly beautiful existence. I love you girls. Let's take this summer by storm!!

Megan: Oh Megan...You know, I want to put words to my emotions when I think about you, girl, but...I don't think anyone can ever describe the absolute love and adoration I have for you, sis. I know we fight, but let me tell you- we'd gotten so close over the past few months, and I can't think of any other thing that's happened this year that even compares to that. You are...you make me speechless. And I love you for that. NO MATTER WHAT.

New friends: Those of you I've met at Longwood have made the year so much more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Shannon, Caitlin, Sue, Whitney, Steph, Mandi, Jojo (and anyone else I may have missed)- you all are awesome. I can't wait to take on next year with you all beside me. And to the many who frequent the Cunninghams Butt Hutt- just know that I've never met a cooler group of people in my life. I'm laughing literally every moment I'm over there, and I can't tell you all how much I've needed that sometimes.



To Schoolwork:

Yes, my classes have been....amazing. I learned so much, stayed interested and had some of the very best instructors ever. Call me a dork, but I'm almost a little sad about having to go home and work this summer. Granted, the lack of homework is gonna be NICE. But I'm going to be happy to start again in the fall.



To Lessons (outside of the classroom):

1. Don't move into the dorms without toilet paper, especially if you're moving in five days before anyone else in your suite. Toothpaste and shampoo are also good to have.

2. No matter how convenient it is, don't keep your cell phone in your jacket pocket. When it falls in the toilet, you'll be pissed. And grossed out. And unable to call anyone to tell them how dumb you are.

3. Screw buy-backs at the bookstore. You could sell blood for more than they give for used text books. (Don't sell blood, either. It was an example.)

4. Never doubt your ability to change minds. When enough people are upset, and when enough people speak up, the voices are heard. (Take THAT Smoke-Free Campus policy!)

5. Some of the best friends you'll ever have are the ones who laugh with you when you fuck up.

6. It goes by so fast. Don't blink or you'll miss something.

7. There are assholes out there who don't care about what they're doing to the world around them, who are willing and sometimes happy to cause any amount of pain and sadness for the sake of their own benefit. But…life goes on. This lesson has been a hard one to grasp, and I'm still not there completely, but I'm writing again—and that's a sign of growth, of healing, and of learning.


To Great Moments:

Shannon's terrible, hysteria-inducing stories. Talking about, well, everything in the smoke hut. Running through fountains. Laying in the sun. My first Spring Weekend. Seeing my name in my first byline. Media conventions in DC and San Francisco!!! My final acting scene last semester. Assigning meanings to mandatory wristbands. Dropping a puppy, spilling a drink and then having to explain why I was more upset at the drink-spilling than at the puppy-dropping. Awesome classes and awesome teachers. Once you go Caitlin...Good luck with that!! Sucking at Frisbee. Editing my first broadcast piece. Seeing my second broadcast piece look a million times better than my first. Drawing with sidewalk chalk. Analogies involving fried chicken. Hand-signal identifications for guys. "Wait, I know. 5…4…3…2…Ugh, early as usual."



To me, to you, to summer. To the end of the beginning, to the first last week of school at Longwood. It's been amazing!

-Stacey

Tags: blogs, reflections

April 16, 2008

You know I was right form the start
Current mood: pensive

Tags: lyrics, poetry

April 14, 2008

Ugh. Soapbox. Rant. Sigh.
Current mood: nauseated

Here's my opinion. Take it or leave it.

I'm naively optimistic. I have so much faith in good, in kindness, in respect, in compassion. I believe that people are capable of being genuinely good, that one can have flaws without being a 'bad' person.

So the fact that the past few days have so completely distorted my view of the world is a sign that there's some shit that needs to be fixed. And you can argue all you want that "that's just how the world works" or that "life's not fair" or whatever. I'm still saying it needs to change, and I won't stop advocating for that.

The crapiness that has engulfed this otherwise awesome weekend has inspired me to share a few of my thoughts:


1. Cheaters suck. Cheaters suck suck suck suck, and the worst feeling is finding out that you've 'helped' someone cheat on a significant other because he/she didn't respect you enough to fill you in on the fact that they're taken. How can someone be heartless enough to cheat anyway, and how selfish does one have to be to drag someone else into their inability to be faithful? And on that note, if you know that the guy/girl is taken and you go forward with it anyway, you are no better than the cheater. News flash: being cheated on HURTS. So don't do it!



2. I find it incredibly lame to be ditched at a party. Don't bail on the people you go with. That's endangering their safety in many ways, and a real friend would care enough to pause, look around and make sure everyone is present before heading out.



3. On a similar token, there's this thing called a promise, and it's usually expected that a promise is kept. I think one of the bigger problems with the world today is that accountability and loyalty are values that seem to be waning. Keep your word. Live by the values you advocate. Take some fucking responsibility for yourself, for your flaws, for the disappointments you cause. Messing up in that regard does not equate being a 'bad' person as long as you hold yourself accountable and work from there to fix it.



4. Chivalry is not dead, and it's so sad that people are surprised at random acts of kindness. Why are they so rare that people don't expect others to be nice or respectable? Let's bring it back, people, please? Hold a door. Pick up your trash, and if you see someone being careless, don't turn a blind eye. Smile at a passer-by even if you don't know him or her. Hell, if smiling is too much effort or something, just do the whole nod-acknowledge thing. If someone is having a shitty day, these little things do help.



5. All the things above are on an individual basis. This one is on a broad scale. You can argue that capitalism is a good thing and communism only works in theory or whatever. This isn't about which system is in place as much as it is an observation of the crap that results from capitalism.

There is no reason, no justification, no real applicable explanation for why so many people work so hard--try soooooo hard--and all for no avail. I'm so SICK of busting my ass trying to get by, just to keep falling farther and farther behind. Fuck the American Dream, it's an illusion. I don't care how many people argue that ANYONE can be ANYTHING if they're willing to work hard enough. Sometimes--often, in fact--the basic structure of society makes it next to impossible.

Keep the stories of the few exceptions that you know to yourselves. You can name one, two, five, twelve people who started at rock-bottom and moved up. You're trying to argue that, because of those few, you can say with certainty that the MILLIONS of people in our country who CANNOT move up are only stuck in a rut because they're lazy?? That's ignorant. That's prejudiced. That mentality exacerbates the problem.

Case in point: I'm a college student. I'm working my ass off, along with countless others, and so many of us have found the truth behind the cliche "poor college kid" image. Let's face it: we're often VERY POOR! Some of us don't have mom and dad refilling our bank accounts weekly, some of us don't have anyone providing financially AT ALL. So tell me why it's almost acceptable for text-book publishers, dining services, universities, etc., to exploit the living hell out of us for the sake of increasing profits? CEO's, administrators, stock holders--these people get REWARDED for practically raping our wallets.

And, more over, the administrators, policy makers, etc., at these universities contribute to this by making rules that eliminate loopholes for students. We have to pay hundreds of dollars for books (and get half of it back, at most). But, of course, the library cannot have textbooks for use or to check out because if they did, students might save their money and just use the books available there. What a travesty that would be!

A meal plan is what, $1,000+ a semester? We don't get any money back for unused swipes, and we can't swipe others in. How can the administrators advocate these policies? If I run out of meal swipes, I can't eat. I'm at home when I'm here. So if I use the last of my 10 weekly swipes on Friday, I can't eat all weekend. They turn students away instead of letting someone else swipe us in on a meal plan they already paid for. Congratulations, Aramark. The heads of that company are rolling around in money and all it takes is the exploitation of a bunch of young adults who often can't afford to eat anything perishable.



THIS is the world we live in? I refuse to accept that. I REFUSE to sit back and watch this happen, and you should too. It starts with one (you), and enough people working together can bring GOOD back.

Tags: blogs, opinion, rants

April 4, 2008

Untitled and unfinished (sound familiar?)
Current mood: quiet

"You have to deal with this," her friend said.

Headlights from the oncoming cars were distorted by the raindrops hitting the windshield. It was one of those moments you see in the movies--perfectly set to match the mood. It had been raining for days and days, for what seemed like an eternity. Normally she would be protesting the weather, but somehow the rain made her feel less wrong, less hurt, less broken. Nature was offering its sympathy.

"I don’t know where to START dealing with this." She was lost, unable to think or speak about why she felt this sense of failure, pain, tension...She just wasn’t sure who to blame, how to interpret the emotion.  

"You have to," her friend replied. "You’re sick. You can’t keep pushing whatever it is aside. You need to figure out what brought this on."

She knew exactly what brought this on. She could pin it to the day. She could look at a calendar and say, "This was the day I died."

After a few moments, she said all she knew, what had taken months to identify: "He stole my words."

They drove in silence. How does one comfort a friend in these moments? What can be said? How many times had she already heard, "It’ll be ok"? How many people would tell her that it wasn’t her fault? How many people would apologize before they all realized that the only apology she could ask for is the apology she’ll never get, and that the only forgiveness she cannot give is to herself?

For as long as she could remember, she had something to say, something to write, something to express. She had words--her art--and she believed very strongly in them. She used to deal with with life’s struggles by self-destructing, but even at her lowest points, she survived by using those words to express the pain, anger, frustration, regret, self-hate and sadness. No matter how  much she doubted and criticized  herself for every other trait she could posses, the one thing she never lost faith in was her way with words.

Finally, she said, "I can look back and know exactly when it changed. I was doing so well, I really was..."

"When did it change?" her friend asked.

"December 9," she replied.

"What happened December 9?"

There was a pause. Her mind raced as she tried to find the answer, and after a moment, she said, "He happened."

Her friend knew the story, and had tried before to help her cope. Maybe if she could just say it, with her own voice, admit it for what it was... So her friend asked, "What did he do?"

Silence. She searched for words. It was the simplest answer to the hardest question in the world. She knew exactly which three words it would take to answer the question, and she couldn’t say it. She just couldn’t say it.

They drove in silence as the rain hit the windows, the pavement, the buildings. She watched the white lines on the road, the cars that passed, the red lights changing  to green. She watched the world moving around her, the lives that went on as she sat watching fearful and alone.

All she wanted was for the rain to keep falling, for the earth to console her.

Tags: blogs, writings

March 27, 2008

Singing it like there’s no tomorrow
Current mood: awake

Oh no…

Here it goes again.

I’m torn. I’m being pulled in ten directions, and trying to put my finger on exactly what feels off in my life right now. Because this whole confused/nervous/curious/shy/self-conscious/loner crap is getting old, and I know it’s a sign that I need to take a closer look at what I’m thinking and feeling.

 

I shouldn’t be thinking so much about them. They’re specs on my radar, They’re stains on my memory. "They’re not worth my time." They’re not representative of the male population.

 

I don’t know.

 

Call it a chip on my shoulder. Call it a grudge. Call it my inability to trust/forgive/forget/move on. Call it whatever you wish. I call it a pain in the ass.

 

I’m a sensible, logical, thoughtful person. I like order, reasons and understanding. I ask why and how. Confusion doesn’t suit me, frustration comes in extremes. And I am more confused and frustrated than I’ve ever been, and I guess I’m beginning to see a few factors I’d pushed aside.

 

December 9. I keep thinking about that date, repeating it to myself over and over and over as if saying the date would change history. If I’d [insert action here], then this would never have happened. I’d be peachy fucking keen. I’d be passing. I’d be sane. I’d be me. I wouldn’t be dealing with this, or more accurately, dealing with the consequences of not dealing with this. December 9. Ugh.

 

And no, it doesn’t get easier with time. No, it doesn’t go away. No, I don’t feel any better almost four months later than I did four hours later. I still walk around this campus checking around every corner.

 

I’d made progress, you know. Coming to Longwood last fall, I felt great. I felt like a million bucks, not at all caught up on him. And I’d moved on. I think I was at a very high point last semester, and I felt like I could take on the world with a pen, with a keyboard, with my own words. But I learned that words aren’t as powerful as I’d believed.

 
I guess I’m saying…shit, here we are again with the ellipses. I will say that since I’ve started blogging like this again, it’s been easier to write. I used to put blogs up all the time. And I used to find writing easy. Lately, writing has been next to impossible. And I’d stopped doing shit like this because I was too busy or whatever. I see a correlation there…

I don’t know.

I’m still breathing. And I’m thankful for that. At least I know tomorrow holds the possibility of more. I guess at this point, that’s all I can ask for.

-Stacey

Tags: blogs

March 25, 2008

Ellipses and other common phrases...
Current mood: drained

So I guess this is about...

 

Exactly. I don’t even know. This blog is about ellipses…

This blog is about me, right now, right at this moment.

Feeling: tired, anxious, excited, confused, stressed, motivated, pessimistic, worried, strong, confident(ish), proud, burdened, thirsty…

Listening to: Pandora.com, because after being introduced by Andrew to this little piece of heaven, I haven’t turned it off…

Wondering: What are the chances I can find a quarter in the couch? How long will I put off this paper? Why does that jerk upset me so much? Why is my mirror distorting things differently every time I look into it? Why can’t the dorms have ice machines? How the hell am I going to get it all done? Can I really handle all this?...

Major consideration: I feel overwhelmed…

I’m really nervous, questioning my abilities for the first time in a long time. I think it’s been the best/worst semester of my college career…

On one hand, I love each and every moment of every class. I’m learning things that interest the hell out of me, and I find myself checking the clock sometimes thinking, "Damn. I wish this class was longer." Believe me, I know that sounds a.) lame and b.) nerdy as hell. But it’s the truth, and I think that’s what’s adding to the negative emotions I’m feeling…

I’ve always done so well in school, and the idea of getting "bad" grades is both foreign and scary for me. Yet, the same classes that are giving me infinite amounts of motivation and intellectual satisfaction are also stressing me far past the point of self-doubt. I’m learning so much, and in my comm classes especially, it’s intimidating. I know that a bulk of what I’m going through is heightened by the frustration of trying to learn things like how to edit, film, write etc., but even in class I find myself thinking, "Wow…Can I handle that?"

In my sociology class, we discuss these social problems that cause me to question not only my ability to bring about change, but also whether or not change is possible at the hands of anyone at all. And that pessimism does take a toll on my motivation, I’m not going to deny that. I’ve always hated it when people said, "I’m not pessimistic. I’m REALISTIC." But…well, where DO you draw the line between negativity and reality, between optimism and naivety?

And can I take a moment to say a little something about "writer’s block" and my inability to focus? IT SUCKS. If you know me well, you know that writing is my niche, my thing, my release, my drug of choice. It always has been, and I used to feel so fulfilled and confident when I wrote. It used to be the ONLY thing I had any amount of confidence in. So when I can’t seem to write at all (at least not when/what I’m supposed to write), I feel like a failure at life. Literally.

So then I go into these classes where we talk about journalism, writing, what to expect in that field, etc., and I’m sitting there thinking, "Oh. Shit…" Like really, CAN I do this? I’m not questioning my desire to pursue journalism. Not at all. The past eight months have solidified that as the path I desperately want to follow. Not a moment have I doubted that. But for the first time, I’m doubting my words. I’m doubting my expression. I’m doubting my ability to say and write things that will affect, influence, enlighten, interest, captivate… I’m doubting the only part of myself I’ve never questioned. And let me tell you: it’s terrifying.

I don’t know… It’s hard, and it’s scary—but I want to think it’s worth it. I want to think it’s just part of the process. I want to think it’s something everyone goes through… But more than anything, I want it to go away, and I want to start writing again like I was at the beginning of the semester, at the other high points in my writing…

Sigh… I just want to stop turning out pages full of kjbfdsjhfjdbfjsd and ……………. and "I don’t know." I want to stop looking at the damn BLANK SPACE and start looking at my work, in front of me.

Ugh. I want sleep. Thank you for reading. I know it’s long, and I can’t tell if it’s boring, but it’s important that I get this out of my system.

Take care, all. Happy Easter!

 -Stacey

Tags: blogs

March 7, 2008

I’ve got some LEG on my mind...
Current mood: impatient

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now

(don't list names):
1. I would literally give every part of myself to take your pain away. You're too beautiful to cry, to amazing to feel despair.

2. I will never be as disappointed in anyone, even myself, as I am in you. You'll never know how hard it is to see what you've turned into after everything you've seen.

3. You are the only person in my life that I could not live without. Even when we aren't getting along, I know that you are what keeps me believing in a better tomorrow. No matter what we've been through, we remain standing. We're going to change the world together, and if I ever doubt my power and strength, looking at you reminds me that injustice, inequality, unfairness and corruption are problems that can, and will, be fixed.

4. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you aren't either. I guess until you can accept that, it's always gonna be like this.

5. I don't even care that you're a manipulative asshole anymore. I don't care that you broke me. I picked myself back up, and when I'm showing the world my strength, you'll be the one with regrets. I'm over you.

6. I do love you, even though I don't talk to you all the time. I do, and I know it's hard on you right now but I promise that I respect and admire you so much. No one could have done it better, and the fact that I've made mistakes isn't a reflection of you.

7. I hope that someday you feel as POWERLESS and VIOLATED as you made me feel. I hope it HURTS, that you feel like a fraction of a human being, that you can't tell shattered glass from your own heart. You didn't even know me. You had no right, no reason, no excuse.

8. Your loyalties are fucked up. Actually, that would imply that you had loyalties. You're everything you hate, you're a hypocrite by default. One day someone will step on you like you've stepped on me and so many others. I hope it hurts like hell.

9. Let's drive till there's no more street-lights. Let's talk about everything. Let's roll the windows down and listen to music. Because to be honest, those were some of the best moments of my life. And I am so glad I shared them with you.

10. I was wondering if it would be too blunt to just come right out and say, "Let's fuck." Cause damn. That crossed my mind at least ten times in that six hour period.


Nine things about yourself:
1. I'm awesome. Sorry, but it's just totally true.

2. I would probably give up a limb to see Brand New in concert. Ok, not a limb. Maybe a finger. Well…I'd definitely take a punch to the stomach for it.

3. I'm straight, but if someone is prejudice against gay people, I get pissed. I'm a huge gay rights activist. And conservatives can kiss my ass with their whole "One man, one woman" definition of love.

4. I am late for everything.

5. I think the name "Stacey" suits me perfectly, but I would hate it spelled any other way. My name isn't Stacy, Staci, or Stacie. The –ey makes it work.

6. I <3 diet colas and sweet tea.

7. I'm gonna change the world with my words someday.

8. I don't want kids, and if I get married, it won't be before I'm 30. I want to make my future, my life, my career, etc. on my own terms. I don't ever want to have to think about how taking a job or following a story will affect my family.

9. Skater boys, punk boys, emo boys- These are my eye-candy.


Eight ways to win your heart:
1. Be real. Don't try to show off. I can tell, and it's a turn-off.

2. Don't ever, EVER give me jewelry. It drives me nuts when guys think they have to buy expensive shit for girls. (Girls, you deserve a big part of the blame for that.)

3. Make me laugh. I love laughter. It's my drug of choice. A guy who can make me laugh automatically earns a few points.

4. Talk about music. Music is my world. I love it.

5. Admit when you're wrong, and apologize.

6. Forgive me when I apologize for being wrong.

7. Don't try to change me, don't focus on my flaws.

8. At the same time, recognize that I'm not perfect, and don't be surprised when you see that I'm only human. I'll mess up, I'll make mistakes. I learn from them and I fix things. Don't treat me as if every mistake is some ultimate disappointment.


Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Friends and family

2. Stress: school, bills, work, social, etc.

3. Music

4. Examples of things I want to see change in the world.

5. Where I'm going in my life

6. My vices

7. Hmm, he's cute; Oh wow, he's really cute; Damn, he's hott.


Six things you wish you never did:
1. January 7, 2007.

2. Lost myself in someone else.

3. Let myself be used.

4. December 9, 2007

5. Pushed her away because I was just so damn jealous.

6. Rooted for Bush (at least it was only the first time).


Five turn-offs:
1. Hypocrisy/Apathy

2. Guys who just party, get trashed and fuck around all the time.

3. No sense of humor.

4. Ugliness (what? I'm just being honest…)

5. Homophobia.


Four turn-ons:
1. Intelligence, especially in combination with a sense of humor.

2. Punk/Skater boys

3. A hott body

4. Making love.


Three smiley's that describe your life:
1. :-)

2. :-/

3. :-P

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. See that the world has changed for the good.

2. Open minds and contribute to creating a sense of unity.

Tags: blogs

February 19, 2008

I write letters to myself on the beach
Current mood: exhausted

Fine, we'll do it your way.

I'm too fucking tired to argue about it, and I'm too weak to keep picking up pieces you can't seem to hold.

Stop falling, for just one second. PLEASE. Just let me take in a breath of fresh air. I'm missing the springtime weather because of you and it's pissing me off.

Why are sitting in here whining about the shit you "can't" fix? Especially since you know damn well that you can You just don't want to. I do not pity you, I do not sympathize.

Stop being a baby and get the fuck on your way.

Because you're better than this, you're better than him, you're better than them. You are damn sure better than sitting inside writing a blog about some fucking sand castles.

Go ahead and cry about the shit that's going on, whine a little harder and maybe life will decide to play fair.

Or, seeing as how want to spend the rest of your life changing the shit that's unfair, maybe it would be good fucking practice to take care of some of the injustices you face. Stop being so scared to find out that they are injustices you cause for your own damn self, because at least that way you'll know the problem.

I'm tired. And I'm so fucking tired of being so tired because you can't seem to carry yourself through a day that goes shitty and bad and terrible and that you just want to go sleep through.

That's not the point and you know it, because in your heart you know that you just want to wake up and make it through the day with out thinking about him, without thinking about you, without thinking about being something else or better. You're not going to be something better, you don't need to be.

You don't need to improve yourself just because someone came along and kicked over that damn beach fortress right when you were finishing up with the last details.

Shit. Happens.

Now move the fuck on, go enjoy your day and sleep tonight.

Your insomnia is annoying the fuck out of me.

Tags: blogs

February 10, 2008

I’m gonna be one of those old cat-ladies

 

The first sentence is always the hardest…

From there it's supposed to flow. Or maybe it's not to supposed to flow anywhere, maybe it's just supposed to be there. Stagnant water. Maybe it's supposed to be a swamp.

God, I hope not. I would like to think that my writing is meant for more than that. But lately, this writers block has got me thinking I'd settle for a mud-puddle. A swamp is almost aiming high.

I think I'm supposed to be thinking something right now. Maybe that's the problem- maybe I just haven't formed it into anything tangible. I have something plaguing me and I haven't identified it yet.

Well damn, Stacey. Figure this shit out already.

Because it's not supposed to be a fucking mud-puddle and if that's all you've got, perhaps a change of major should be on today's to-do list. Journalists don't write like stagnant water, journalists don't fall to pieces over writing prompts with fake deadlines and eight sentence limits.

Journalists write, which is precisely what I feel like I'm not truly doing lately.

But all this self-criticism hasn't done a whole lot more than give me the sneaking suspicion that I'm battling something in my mind that I haven't quite brought into focus yet.

It's that feeling that's not really a feeling, but more of a thought that hasn't been thought yet. It's just there, I think. If it makes writing the first line of a fairly easy news story comparable to tasks like climbing Mt. Everest or solving world hunger, then…Shit.

Then I'm somewhere between bad-news-bears and royally fucked.

Sometimes I look through my old stuff- ramblings, poetry, blogs, everything.  Sometimes I wonder where she went, where that girl who used to spend hours and hours writing the most beautiful words with ease has disappeared to.

 

    "I'd give a great deal for lucid writing right now, where all the thoughts come out just how they should be said. I used to read over the things I wrote in high school and think how cool it sounded….after I fixed the spelling problems anyway. I suppose this will have to do for now. Will I be up all night long?... Man this is so much harder than I remember." –January 4, 2008

    "You have no idea what it is like to give yourself away completely, to cut your ties with your fears, with yourself and hand them over because the truth is that he means more to you than you ever meant to yourself…You don't know how it feels to touch his hand and realize that all your hopes and dreams come down to that instant, that time can freeze or stop forever and you wouldn't care because that moment satisfies you more than anything you thought possible…Passion is a word to you because you think you can have it with anyone. Well, if for one moment you felt a real kiss, one that connects two people so much that the whole room can feel the heat, then you would know that love is about more than finding someone to tell your deepest, darkest secrets to…You can't understand these things because you've spent so long looking for it, finding pieces of yourself in so many places that you can't remember who showed you what. You look for something you can't find in books or movies or the hundred men you've given yourself to…Love is not easy, it should never be easy. True love is something you fight for, something you are willing to fight for every single day for the rest of your life because this guy is the only thing in the world you can't afford to lose. You've been given everything, but not this. This is not something you can just take, something that just works out for you because everything else in the world does…" -July 24, 2006

"The scrap feels as rough and frayed as it looks. The splinters are soft, not prickly as I expected, yielding to my skin as I move my hands over the surface…