March 25, 2008

Ellipses and other common phrases...
Current mood: drained

So I guess this is about...

 

Exactly. I don’t even know. This blog is about ellipses…

This blog is about me, right now, right at this moment.

Feeling: tired, anxious, excited, confused, stressed, motivated, pessimistic, worried, strong, confident(ish), proud, burdened, thirsty…

Listening to: Pandora.com, because after being introduced by Andrew to this little piece of heaven, I haven’t turned it off…

Wondering: What are the chances I can find a quarter in the couch? How long will I put off this paper? Why does that jerk upset me so much? Why is my mirror distorting things differently every time I look into it? Why can’t the dorms have ice machines? How the hell am I going to get it all done? Can I really handle all this?...

Major consideration: I feel overwhelmed…

I’m really nervous, questioning my abilities for the first time in a long time. I think it’s been the best/worst semester of my college career…

On one hand, I love each and every moment of every class. I’m learning things that interest the hell out of me, and I find myself checking the clock sometimes thinking, "Damn. I wish this class was longer." Believe me, I know that sounds a.) lame and b.) nerdy as hell. But it’s the truth, and I think that’s what’s adding to the negative emotions I’m feeling…

I’ve always done so well in school, and the idea of getting "bad" grades is both foreign and scary for me. Yet, the same classes that are giving me infinite amounts of motivation and intellectual satisfaction are also stressing me far past the point of self-doubt. I’m learning so much, and in my comm classes especially, it’s intimidating. I know that a bulk of what I’m going through is heightened by the frustration of trying to learn things like how to edit, film, write etc., but even in class I find myself thinking, "Wow…Can I handle that?"

In my sociology class, we discuss these social problems that cause me to question not only my ability to bring about change, but also whether or not change is possible at the hands of anyone at all. And that pessimism does take a toll on my motivation, I’m not going to deny that. I’ve always hated it when people said, "I’m not pessimistic. I’m REALISTIC." But…well, where DO you draw the line between negativity and reality, between optimism and naivety?

And can I take a moment to say a little something about "writer’s block" and my inability to focus? IT SUCKS. If you know me well, you know that writing is my niche, my thing, my release, my drug of choice. It always has been, and I used to feel so fulfilled and confident when I wrote. It used to be the ONLY thing I had any amount of confidence in. So when I can’t seem to write at all (at least not when/what I’m supposed to write), I feel like a failure at life. Literally.

So then I go into these classes where we talk about journalism, writing, what to expect in that field, etc., and I’m sitting there thinking, "Oh. Shit…" Like really, CAN I do this? I’m not questioning my desire to pursue journalism. Not at all. The past eight months have solidified that as the path I desperately want to follow. Not a moment have I doubted that. But for the first time, I’m doubting my words. I’m doubting my expression. I’m doubting my ability to say and write things that will affect, influence, enlighten, interest, captivate… I’m doubting the only part of myself I’ve never questioned. And let me tell you: it’s terrifying.

I don’t know… It’s hard, and it’s scary—but I want to think it’s worth it. I want to think it’s just part of the process. I want to think it’s something everyone goes through… But more than anything, I want it to go away, and I want to start writing again like I was at the beginning of the semester, at the other high points in my writing…

Sigh… I just want to stop turning out pages full of kjbfdsjhfjdbfjsd and ……………. and "I don’t know." I want to stop looking at the damn BLANK SPACE and start looking at my work, in front of me.

Ugh. I want sleep. Thank you for reading. I know it’s long, and I can’t tell if it’s boring, but it’s important that I get this out of my system.

Take care, all. Happy Easter!

 -Stacey

Tags: blogs