March 27, 2008

Singing it like there’s no tomorrow
Current mood: awake

Oh no…

Here it goes again.

I’m torn. I’m being pulled in ten directions, and trying to put my finger on exactly what feels off in my life right now. Because this whole confused/nervous/curious/shy/self-conscious/loner crap is getting old, and I know it’s a sign that I need to take a closer look at what I’m thinking and feeling.

 

I shouldn’t be thinking so much about them. They’re specs on my radar, They’re stains on my memory. "They’re not worth my time." They’re not representative of the male population.

 

I don’t know.

 

Call it a chip on my shoulder. Call it a grudge. Call it my inability to trust/forgive/forget/move on. Call it whatever you wish. I call it a pain in the ass.

 

I’m a sensible, logical, thoughtful person. I like order, reasons and understanding. I ask why and how. Confusion doesn’t suit me, frustration comes in extremes. And I am more confused and frustrated than I’ve ever been, and I guess I’m beginning to see a few factors I’d pushed aside.

 

December 9. I keep thinking about that date, repeating it to myself over and over and over as if saying the date would change history. If I’d [insert action here], then this would never have happened. I’d be peachy fucking keen. I’d be passing. I’d be sane. I’d be me. I wouldn’t be dealing with this, or more accurately, dealing with the consequences of not dealing with this. December 9. Ugh.

 

And no, it doesn’t get easier with time. No, it doesn’t go away. No, I don’t feel any better almost four months later than I did four hours later. I still walk around this campus checking around every corner.

 

I’d made progress, you know. Coming to Longwood last fall, I felt great. I felt like a million bucks, not at all caught up on him. And I’d moved on. I think I was at a very high point last semester, and I felt like I could take on the world with a pen, with a keyboard, with my own words. But I learned that words aren’t as powerful as I’d believed.

 
I guess I’m saying…shit, here we are again with the ellipses. I will say that since I’ve started blogging like this again, it’s been easier to write. I used to put blogs up all the time. And I used to find writing easy. Lately, writing has been next to impossible. And I’d stopped doing shit like this because I was too busy or whatever. I see a correlation there…

I don’t know.

I’m still breathing. And I’m thankful for that. At least I know tomorrow holds the possibility of more. I guess at this point, that’s all I can ask for.

-Stacey

Tags: blogs